Making Friends at University - My Struggle and My Journey

Annie shares her experiences of dealing with loneliness and making friends during her fresher year.

- Annie Bocock 

Like every student who’s ever lived and made the challenging transition to university, I worried about making friends but I shrugged it off as I was sure having to live with other students would guarantee friendships, not to mention the people I’d get close to on my course and within societies! Right? 

As you can probably tell by the title, this wasn’t the case for me. For about two whole terms, I did not feel like I had a proper friend. 

I am kind of a social person. While I’ve been able to build strong friendships throughout my life and I feel comfortable within those, making new friends hasn’t always been easy. Even pre-university I’d find myself in new environments where I was seldom speaking to others. Therefore, it didn’t come as a surprise when in Freshers’ I felt anxious and did not really speak to anyone. However, this time, it was more difficult: my levels of anxiety were sky-high, and as a result, my self-confidence plummeted. I didn’t feel like myself. 

I think many people tend to underestimate the detrimental effects of long-term loneliness on their mental health and wellbeing. Seeing everyone in groups sitting in the sunshine or hearing students run to the bus stop to enjoy their night out while I was always alone created a sense of isolation and exclusion, which soon led to my depression. Hence more side effects of lack of support followed: feeling too lethargic to complete work, avoiding cooking in the kitchen due to my anxiety, suffering from the financial pressures of buying poor quality food and even feeling extremely anxious around my friends from home. Such hopelessness overwhelmed me, and as a result, I almost dropped out last summer.

Luckily, things got better. 

I greatly believe the reason for this is the miracle which are student activities (and the student union which host them). We’re talking societies, RAG, volunteering, college committees, etc. While they didn’t allow me to make super close friends immediately, I was able to gradually connect with others, and that built confidence, confidence that I had before university. For the first time since I joined university, I felt that I had the skills and emotional security to build relationships with people who were magically starting to find themselves in my life naturally.

While things have still been hard throughout the past year or so, I have had more people to talk to about the difficulties I’ve been going through. I’m really grateful to my friends, family, university staff and now my boyfriend for supporting me through my ongoing mental health problems over the year.

If you’re reading this and are in the same position I was, or you’re worried that when you get to university you may be, I hope my following tips could be of help. 

• Firstly, try to get involved with student activities if you are able to. It can take a few tries within a few different groups but eventually you’ll find somewhere you are comfortable! 

• Until then, utilise your university’s support networks as much as possible. Although they may not always be the most helpful for you, they’ve had to help plenty of students through a variety of different issues and they will find you the support you need. 

• Lastly, if you’re struggling with your work as a result of whatever is going on, consider talking to your department about what they could do for you. Whether it’s a leave of absence for you to get the support you need or any other adjustments, they can and will help you.

Hi! I’m Annie Bocock and I’m a mathematics student at the University of York. As a Press Ambassador for Student Minds, I enjoy writing and speaking about my own experiences of mental health and the general complexities of mental health. It’s so rewarding seeing how others can gain something from my experiences.

You can find more tips and resources to help with the transition (back) to university here. If you are looking for mental health support for yourself, a friend or a loved one, you can also find more information and resources here. 

Find out more about navigating friendships at university in Student Minds Transitions guide.

How Radio Came to my Rescue

Ben Dolbear tells the story of how listening to the radio helped to save his sleeping pattern and improved his mental health.

- Ben Dolbear

Night-time is the hardest time for many people living with depression. In the dark, there is no background noise to blend out thoughts that  just don't want to disappear, no visual parade of ever-changing events that entertain your thoughts and no company, to distract you from your depression’s trickery. To make things worse, much of our days are spent wading through the depths of social media, flicking our focus between posts about a friend’s wedding, a natural disaster in Asia, a new-born kitten, a family member’s holiday snaps. Sometimes modernity makes me wish that we could set the clock back fifty years and live in a time where the news was less brutally in-yer-face, where summer afternoons were spent outside, and where there was no such thing as blue light-induced insomnia Our brains are being eternally trained to cope with a constant influx of wide-ranging information that induce wide-ranging emotions. When eventually we stop, our  mind continues to be a rally track, a whirlwind race between memories and feelings competing for our minds’ attention. In the moment, it feels impossible to just stop – 

and breathe. 

For so long, the night-time was something I dreaded. Getting off to sleep was even harder than getting out of bed in the morning (a mighty task that often leads to a slumb back into the pillow and missing yet another lecture). Waking up in the night ushered in palpable feelings of dread and upset. Not being able to sleep properly during the night, set the next day up to be filled with anxiety and stress.  Shame, regret, disappointment, self-loathing, all forced their way in to steal my calm. Sleeplessness was only exasperated by university pressure which complimentary only worsened my sleeplessness.

I tried listening to instrumental music as I drifted off to sleep, and whilst I know it is effective for many people, my bullish depression could not be held off. I tried meditation to no avail. Apps promising that these 5 minutes will bring you a goods night rest, all failed to bring rest to my mind. 

In a last ditch attempt to expel this unhealthy sleeping pattern which was having a detrimental effect on my daily activities and relationships, my thoughts returned to the time we are living in, and realised how wrong I was wanting to return to the old days where mobile phones and social media didn’t dominate lives. I admit, the 21st century has isolated many of us from our friends, but it has also brought the world so much closer together. How would we call our parents, listen to podcasts, stay updated on what is happening in the world, or even read this blog post if it were not for the world evolving, so instead of fighting this change I tried to embrace the beauty of it. 

As the old saying goes, if you can’t beat them, join them, so I decided to welcome my old foe the mobile phone into my bedtime routine. I downloaded a talk radio app and began to listen in bed. The fast pace of modern living and social media has taken away our human tendency to listen to others, as our days are instead defined by fleeting encounters with strangers,  often ones behind a screen. But listening to the radio as I go to sleep is the most rewarding practice, I have ever engaged myself in. Instead of searching for silence I adopted societies fast pace. 

Escaping the addictive authority of low-mood inducing social media platforms, radio offers the perfect natural remedy for insomniacs – my radio station of choice, LBC, which hosts Steve Allen, with his hilarious analysis of the tabloids and belly-achingly funny stories about his hometown of Twickenham, entertaining early risers between 4-7AM, seven days a week, pulling in the highest overnight ratings in London.

My mental health has been aided immensely by my listening to radio call-ins at bedtime. In my darkest times, when my ability to communicate with the people I love fractured, and I shut myself away, talk radio meant that I was never alone. I could surround myself with voices who didn’t demand a response, who didn’t question me or my intentions, and welcomed me calmly to the conversation without judgement.

Now, I sleep in peace. My thoughts and emotions are guided by the radio as I drift off, and I am happier for it.

Hi, I'm Ben. I'm an English Literature student in Southampton writing for Student Minds to help other people living with depression who are on the same road to recovery that I am on.

How to start university with pre-existing mental health conditions

Kayleigh shares her top tips for starting university with pre-existing mental health conditions. 

- Kayleigh Brinkman

Starting university can be difficult, particularly for people with pre-existing mental health conditions. Being aware of what support is on offer before you arrive will save time and stress, leaving you to enjoy freshers the way you want to. This is why I have put together a series of tips that helped make my transition to university easier. 

Disclose your condition to the university, sooner rather than later

The sooner that the university are aware, the sooner they are able to provide the appropriate support and organise the right adjustments for you. This can be done through your UCAS application and when you officially register with the university. It is recommended that you still disclose your condition to the university, even if you are not currently experiencing any issues, as this will save time later on. It is good to be prepared in advance! 

Research the support available, both at university and in the local area

Before you start university, it can be helpful to research the support available at the university and in the local area. All universities will offer a counselling service, so it might be helpful to see how the application process works and how many sessions they offer. There will also be a mental health advisory team at your university, which provides support for students who are experiencing long term mental health conditions. 

Support is also available in the local community. Make sure you register with a local GP at the beginning of term, especially if you need to sort out any prescriptions. Your GP can also give you advice on accessing therapy as well as advising on medications. 

In an emergency, contact your local GP for an emergency appointment or call NHS 111 or 999. 

Accessing DSA

DSA is the Disabled Students Allowance, which can be accessed through Student Finance England. DSA can help with the costs of hiring a non-medical helper, getting specialist equipment and funding travel costs. The application process requires medical evidence, and once processed it can be used to gain further support throughout your time at university. If you’re struggling with the application process, don’t be scared to ask the mental health team at university for help. After submitting your application, you will have an independent assessment to see what provisions can be put in place. 

Remember that you aren’t alone

Starting university can be scary, especially with pre-existing mental health conditions. But, it’s important to remember that you are not alone. There are lots of other students going through this same process, and many have made it through university despite their struggles. There are lots of people you can talk to including teachers, other students, friends and family. It can be helpful to keep your loves ones in the loop when you are struggling so they can offer you support.  

It can be hard talking to new friends about your mental health, but you can go into as much or as little detail as you feel comfortable with. You will never be forced to talk about your experience, but it can be helpful to remember that many students have their own experience with mental health conditions, talking about this with them can help remind you that you don’t have to fight this alone.

There is no right or wrong way to prepare for university. But having the support in place from the offset can make the transition to university a lot smoother. Look after yourself and remember that you are not alone. Starting university is the next chapter of your life - you can do it! 

For more information on what support is available at your university and further, see here. 

Kayleigh is a third year student at the University of Birmingham studying a joint honours in Education and Sociology. Mental health is something she is very passionate about and hopes that talking about her experiences through social media and YouTube helps make people going through similar things feel a little less alone.

My Journey to Oxbridge with OCD

Lottie writes about the challenge of managing high pressure expectations with OCD and the importance of remembering and celebrating achievements. 

- Lottie Brown

College was the first time that I really began to excel academically. Following surprisingly impressive AS results, it was suggested that I consider applying for Oxbridge. I never in a million years thought that I would get an offer. Even so, I applied just so that I didn’t have to live with the disappointment of not knowing. When I received an interview I was absolutely delighted yet adamant that I wouldn’t become too attached because I didn’t want to be too upset when I got rejected. To my utter amazement, I received an offer. It was such a dream come true! 

At this time, I was also living with undiagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so I knew that the next few months would not be easy. The more I succeeded academically, the worse my OCD would get because I felt I had more to lose. The build up to the A-Level examinations was particularly difficult for me, I carried hand-sanitiser everywhere and there were days when I would be constantly going back and forth from the bathroom washing my hands because I was fearful that if I didn’t, I would do badly on my exams and thus not get to go to Oxford. I struggled to decide which clothes to wear and would get so annoyed if any of my revision papers had been moved, because I thought that they might be contaminated and cause me to fail my exams. It was, in a word, exhausting. The problem was that I was still undiagnosed, so I had no idea how to stop the time-consuming rituals. I wish that I had sought professional help at this point, then I would have been able to use the techniques from ERP therapy to challenge my OCD. It would also have better prepared me for the psychological breakdown that I experienced in the final year of my undergraduate degree. Instead, after sitting my A Levels, I had to use the subsequent months of respite to recover from the exhaustion of OCD. 

When results day came, I was so anxious. I remember going back and forth from the bathroom to wash my hands until it felt ‘just right’; I felt that I didn’t want to negatively affect my A-Level results by having contaminated hands when I opened them up. To my absolute delight, I had fulfilled my offer. I was going to Oxford. I couldn’t stop crying as I ran into my parents’ room to tell them. They started crying as well. Hearing the commotion my sister came out of her room and joined in the crying too. Almost eight years on, this is still one of the happiest moments of my life. It’s a moment that I constantly look back at when I am feeling lost or struggling to find direction. It reminds me that, in spite of a constant and debilitating struggle with OCD, I still managed to achieve my dreams and study at Oxford. And that is something that my struggle with mental illness is never going to take away from me. For anyone who is facing a similar struggle, it is important to get help sooner rather than later. There is no substitute for professional help; it would have been so helpful to have this in place before (rather than after) beginning university. Then I would have had the necessary coping strategies for dealing with the pressures of university life.

Find out more about OCD and how to support a friend here. 

Lottie is a PhD student in Classics at the University of Bristol. She has been struggling with OCD and anxiety for several years, and is very passionate about raising awareness of mental illness and challenging stigmas. She regularly blogs about her own experiences with mental illness here.

So you have your A-level results...what next? #JustTheStart

Students share how they felt finding out their A-level results - this is #JustTheStart of your journey! 

- Alys Daniels-Creasey

The highly-anticipated moment that’s been looming on the horizon for months is finally here: A-level results day. Some students will be celebrating and some breaking out the box of tissues - whatever your reaction, you won’t be the first to feel the way you do. We took to social media to ask students how they felt on the day and where their results led them...

For some people, this is an amazing day full of celebration. If you got the grades you were hoping for then the relief after such a long wait might take a while to sink in.

After the shock wears off, the concept of going to university suddenly becomes a reality and that can be scary. Apprehension is a normal emotion to feel alongside the excitement - this is exactly what our Know Before You Go guide is here to help with.

For others, results day can throw disappointment into the mix of emotions. Whether you’ve missed out on your top university or haven’t been accepted into any of your choices, the uncertainty in this moment can be unsettling. It can feel like you’re alone: you’re not! So many students have been in this position before and have come out the other side.

It’s disheartening to not land a spot at your favourite pick - but if you’re holding an offer at your insurance choice this is still a huge achievement and can lead to an equally amazing, or perhaps even better, university experience.

And just because you might not have done as well as you hoped in your A-levels, it doesn’t mean you won’t go on to get those high grades.

If you’re facing no offers, remember…

One of those options is applying for a different university or course through Clearing. UCAS has all the information on this.

What’s important is making an informed decision that you’re happy with: you shouldn’t feel pressured to make certain choices but talking to others can give you clarity in deciding what is right for you.

Times like this can be overwhelming: if you are worried about yourself and need someone to speak to now, Samaritans are open 24/7.

No matter what results are in your envelope today...

Finding out your A-level results is #JustTheStart of a much bigger story. As graduate Carys says, ‘it will all work out eventually’.

Alys has produced content as the Communications Intern at Student Minds, passionate to share student voices in creative and engaging ways. She is going into her second year studying Sociology and sporadically writes about mental health over at www.alysjournals.com.