Why my MA will be my new beginning

In this blog, Alice talks about how even though her undergraduate experience wasn't the best, she's determined to have a more positive time studying for her Master's degree. 

University wasn’t the place for me. I’m not saying it was bad. I’m just saying it wasn’t good. I didn’t care about the Mexican Revolution, religious symbolism in the work of J. L. Borges, or the exploration of the self and form in twentieth-century France. Likewise, I did not care about the difference between the pronunciation of “vu” and “vous”, “pero”, and “perro”.  I did not care about getting an F in a relatively unimportant presentation. I did not care that my tutor declared my essay on feminism to be “decidedly mediocre”.

Instead, I cared about evenings in pubs, walks in the park and sessions at the gym. I cared about staying up all night watching films and reading books not on the syllabus. I cared about cycling from a bar to my friend’s house at 1am on a Monday morning. I cared about going to gigs, visiting photography exhibitions, and rummaging through Spitalfields market on a Sunday.

When it came to studying, I tried, but only sort of. Half an hour before class was due to start I would open my workbook and frantically scribble something down. In the evenings, I would read novels of my own choosing before embarking on (and then later abandoning) the set texts. As for the presentations, I would usually just miss those classes and carry the fail. Invariably, I would turn up to every class utterly unprepared, having no idea about what was about to be discussed, and caring very little.

At the end of my three-year degree (which took me five years to complete), I received a transcript of my results, telling me that I had received one fail, two thirds, 2:2s, 2:1s, and firsts – all of which averaged out into the most meaningless 2:1 the uni must have ever given.

What the transcript didn’t say was that, during my studies, I had experienced debilitating depression, unrelenting OCD, one terrible coming out, one terrible relationship, one terrible break up, and the onset of Tourette’s syndrome.

OK, maybe university was bad.

This year, though, I have a place on UEA’s Creative Writing MA, and I’m determined to go back to my studies.

But if my undergraduate was so tumultuous, why am I doing this?

The answer is simple: university is, for me, unfinished business. I need to go back: get consistently OK grades, stay on an even keel for the duration of the course, keep my depression and OCD at bay. There’s not much I can do about the Tourette’s, given that it’s both chronic and incurable.

It’s going to be hard. I have the stereotypical swearing kind of Tourette’s. I will be yelling out “fuck” in lectures. I will find it hard to concentrate. I will inevitably be a distraction to myself and others.

But, unlike my BA in French and Spanish, this course has been a dream for a long time. I will spend a whole twelve months doing what I love: reading and writing. Reading helped me through depressive episodes before, and getting my writing published since leaving university has given me a much-needed self-esteem boost.

And if mental illness has taught me anything, it’s to do what you love, and do it a lot.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m determined to go back, and I’m going to smash it.

Alice Franklin is a writer who happens to have Tourette's, OCD and autism. She writes at a leisurely pace, runs at a leisurely pace, and hammocks at a leisurely pace. Previously, her work has appeared in two Spanish short story anthologies, the online magazine Liars' League, and the Financial Times. 

Dealing with emotions during a breakup

Aaingel shares her experiences of dealing with difficult break-ups and how journaling helped her to come to terms with her emotions.

- Aaingel

Breakups are hard. They are awful, we all know that. It’s well documented in every rom-com ever. But they really can be difficult to get through. I was with my partner for 2 ½ years before we broke up. I’d had just moved 50 miles away for uni, which doesn't sound far, but when you’ve lived in each other's pockets every night for the last year or so it feels like a thousand miles away, particularly when you are also starting a whole new course and getting used to living in a different city. 

We’d been arguing all summer, and I for a long time I had felt anxious and paranoid about the relationship and the future of it. He spent the first week with me in my uni town before I started so I’d feel calm and settled in before my first week of uni. On all accounts, we were fine, on the outside we were happy but over time it came crashing down, and eventually, we broke up.

This had a huge impact on my mental wellbeing. I couldn’t eat for a week after the breakup. I decided it would be better if we limited contact so that I could get over him because I didn’t think I would be able to heal while being his friend and so far apart. Despite deleting his contacts on my phone and social media, we spoke on the phone and even though I still had feelings for him, he said he was in a different headspace and needed time to grow for himself without me. He visited my uni town and we eventually decided that we were what each other wanted but didn’t need, for our own wellbeing.

However, the break up did let me start to journal in order to reflect on the difficult emotions I had been feeling. Everything that happened I’d write down at the time, and include all my feelings so that I could have a fresh pair of eyes on it every time I looked back at a situation. I know now that not every relationship is meant to be put back together, but it doesn’t mean it is not shocking or difficult - it is okay to spend some time feeling sad about the break-up. But I also can reflect on why certain feelings I felt at the time were not always constructive for improving the situation.

Since the break up I’ve journaled everything, sought professional help, and opened up a little more about how I feel in a constructive way. I didn’t seek professional help just for the sake of my relationship, but for myself so that I can look after myself and not be dependent on another person. When all my pieces felt put back together it was easier to then work on a relationship in a healthy way.

Hello, I'm Aaingel Nathan. I'm a journalism and media production student at the University for creative arts. I'm a keen writer, podcaster and radio presenter. I'm just writing to help others, giving people a voice they haven't heard but they definitely feel.

How to ease anxiety about travel

Esther shares her tips for easing worries when travelling abroad.

- Esther

Last summer I embarked on what was the most exciting (and nerve-wracking) adventure of my life thus far - working as a camp counsellor in America. But, not only would this be my first trip to the US, but it would also be the first time I’d be flying solo – quite literally! 

I had nightmares about the impending travel; it was all I could think about. For me the worries started weeks before my trip: consumed by thoughts of packing the wrong things, forgetting essential items, my luggage getting lost or somehow ruined. What if airport security interrogated me? What if I didn’t have the correct Visas? Missed my flight? Thoughts like this kept me up at night - working out exactly how many hours before takeoff I should arrive at the airport…

Some may say that my fears were irrational, and okay yes - it was fairly unlikely that I was going to contract Ebola, board the wrong flight (Home Alone 2-eque) and end up in Timbuktu, but my mind was racing, and ultimately, the anxiety I felt about my impending trip was very real. 

When it came down to it, whilst I was excited for my new adventure on the surface, my enthusiasm was dampened by fear and worry. Beyond the travel concerns, I was deeply worried about being in a new place, where I didn’t know anyone, without my usual support network. So, how did I combat this? I was fortunate that my cousin had worked at a summer camp the previous year, so I reached out. By expressing my worries and talking through them with someone who had had a similar experience, I was able to calm myself - it was reassuring to know that I was a) not alone, and b) that even though I would be away from home my support network was only a phone call away. 

By being brave enough to ask for advice, I was able to implement strategies to manage my mental health condition whilst abroad. I also made sure to get comprehensive travel insurance for my trip, this meant that my pre-existing medical conditions were covered, and helped to put my mind at rest. 

Now, the good news is that I thoroughly enjoyed my time in America, so much so that I’m going to be returning this summer! Whilst I am still anxious about travelling, I have been able to prepare myself in order to limit my anxiety. Thankfully my travels went smoothly last year and my preparedness definitely limited any stresses on the day of travel. 

So, how did I prepare? Firstly, I made copies of all important documents (such as my passport, itinerary and insurance policy). I shared my itinerary with my family, made sure they knew the time difference and stayed in regular contact with my family and friends back home during my trip. I researched medical professionals in the area where I’d be staying, so should I need support whilst abroad, I knew where to find it. I also made sure that my medications were legal in the States (as rules differ between countries).

I’m proud to say that my mental health did not stop me from travelling and having an amazing summer. Here are my lasting words to help ease those travelling worries:

1. Be prepared – make lists, do your research. It’s obvious but it really helps reduce stress and anxiety.

2. Take a minute for yourself – It’s ok to take your time and gather your thoughts. Have a drink of water. Take a deep breath.

3. Take a little bit of home with you - download your favourite films and music, do those little things that make you feel at ease and are familiar. You might be travelling solo but help (and home) is just a phone call away.

My name is Esther, and I’m a second year history student at King’s College London. My hobbies include fitness and travel, I am also passionate about reducing the stigma surrounding mental health and improving mental health awareness